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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining 
 and put his head out the window to check.  As he did so a glass 
 eye fell into his hand. 
 
 He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young 
 woman looking down. 
 
 "Is this yours?" he asked. 
 
 She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. 
 
 On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a 
 drink.  As she was very attractive he agreed.  Shortly afterwards 
 she said, "I'm about to have dinner.  There's plenty; would you 
 like to join me?" 
 
 He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As 
 the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a 
 marvelous evening.  Would you like to stay the night?" 
 
 The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man 
 you meet?" 
 
 "No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye." 

 
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 CULCHIE OF THE YEAR ENTRY FORM 

 Name: __________________ 

 Nickname: _________________ 

Public House: ______________ 

 Neck shade: 
   Light red: ___ 
    Medium red: ___ 
    Dark red: ___ 

 Number of teeth exposed in full grin, Upper: ____ Lower: ____ 

 Do you own your own teeth?:______ 
 If borrowed, please state from whom:__________ 

 Does your wife weigh more than your tractor: ___ 

 Are you married to any of the following: 
    Sister: ___ 
    Cousin: ___ 
    Sow: ___ 

 Do you know her name: ___ 

 Have you ever stayed sober for a weekend: ___ 

 If so, why?: ___ 

 Do you know many words with more than four letters: ___ 

 How many wellies do you own: ___ (Pairs) _____(singles) 

 Will you wear polyester trousers with bailin twine as a belt:___ 

 Name of tractor owned: ________   Height of tractor: __________ 

Tractor equipped with: 
   Wexford colours: ___ 
    Cassette deck: ___ 
    Load of turf: ___ 
    Ford cortina shock absorbers: ___ 
    Radar detector: ___ 
    Truck wheels: ___ 
    Sawdoctors CD: ___ 
    Mud flaps: ___ 
    Toothpick holders: ___ 
    Mud grip tyres: ___ 
    Goats hide: ___ 
    Big dog: ___ 

 Number of empty beer cans on floor of tractor: ___ 

 Car Model: 
   Ford Cortina:____ 
    Ford Escort MK2:____ 
    Ford Escort MK1:____ 
    Fiat Ritmo:___ 
    VW Jetta:___ 
    Humber:___ 
    Honda 50:___ 

 Bumper stickers: 
    Well Holy God: ___ 
    My other car is a piece of shite too: ___ 
    Honk if you love Dinny: ___ 
    If you're not from Wexford you're not worth a shite: ___ 
    Wave if you love Glenroe: ___ 
    Travlin' to Flavin: ___ 
    Supermacs:___ 

Favorite vocalist: 
    Margo: ___ 
    Big Tom: ___ 
    Loretta Lynn: ___ 
    Hank Williams: ___ 
    Brendan Shine: ___ 
    Garth Brooks: ___ 
    Declan Nerney: ___ 
    The Guy from the Sawdoctors: ___ 
    Mick Flavin: ___ 
   Willie Nelson: ___ 
    Daniel O'Donnell: ___ 
    Meself: ___ 

 Favorite Recreation: 
   Line Dancin: ___ 
   Sheep Shaggin: ___ 
    Shite smellin: ___ 
    Bailin Hay: ___ 
   Rebel song singin: ___ 
    Drinkin: ___ 
    Chewin baccy: ___ 
    Belchin: ___ 
    Spittin':___ 

 Cap emblems: 
    Guinness: ___ 
    McCullogh chain saws: ___ 
    Smithwicks: ___ 
    Massey is the king: ___ 
    10-10-20: 
    Kerry group: ___ 
    Smile if you're wearin wellies: ___ 

 Number of dependants: 
  Legal: ____  Claimed: ____  Don't Know:____ 

 Size of farm: 
    Middlin':___ 
   Smallish:___ 
    Bit of a Field:___ 
    Only a Bog:___ 

 Number of social farewell claims per week: ___ 

 MEDICAL RECORDS: 

 Do you have any two of the following: 
    B.O: ___ 
   T.B: ___ 
    Head lice: ___ 
    Sheep lice: ___ 
    Smelly feet: ___ 
    Runny nose: ___ 
    Bad breath: ___ 
    BRITISH PASSPORT: ___ 

 
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A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher 
sitting on his porch with his dog: 
 
 Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" 
 
 Rancher: "This dog don't talk!" 

 Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" 
 
 Dog: "Doin alright" 
 
 Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) 
 
 Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)" 
 
 Dog: "Yep." 
 
 Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" 
 
 Dog: "Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, 
 and takes me to the lake once a week to play." 
 
 Rancher: (Look of disbelief) 
 
 Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" 
 
 Rancher: "Horses don't talk!" 
 
 Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?" 
 
 Horse: "Cool." 
 
 Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock) 
 
 Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher) 
 
 Horse: "Yep." 
 
 Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" 
 
 Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me regularly, 
 brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me 
 from the elements." 
 
 Rancher: (total look of amazement) 
 
 Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?" 
 
 Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... 
  "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!" 

 
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Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly 
isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing 
a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get 
some action. "Well, hell boy, just use the camel, like everyone else.", 
the sergeant replied. Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, 
drooling all over the place. "What do you think I am, some sicko 
pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself." A couple 
of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of 
private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Serg, you just gotta 
give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I 
told ya, if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to 
the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt 
surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says 
to himself and walks away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once 
again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, 
"Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget 
it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well at least its a 
large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He walks behind the camel and 
goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly 
shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town 
and pick up girls. 

 
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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family  are just 
 waking up. 
 Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. 
 He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! 
 Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks. 
 Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He 
 looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! 
 Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars. 
 Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the 
 kitchen and screams, 
 For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? 
 I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!" 

 
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These two guys walk into a bar, and they've each got a black eye... 
The bartender asks the first guy. "What happened to you?" -- 
the guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words with my wife.. 
You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the 
terminal was REALLY good looking you see, and I accidentally said 
`Two pickets to tits-burgplease!' 
and I MENT to say ‘Two tickets to Pittsburgh!' and she hit me.." 
The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. "And you?" -- 
the guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words also.. 
This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say 
`Please pass the margarine but instead, I accidentally said 
`You stupid bitch, you ruined my life'..." 

 
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 A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle 
 shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a 
 scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my 
 house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, 
 and starts laughing. What's so funny?" asks the clerk. I see a naked man 
and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. 
 The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then 
 he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll 
 give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my 
 wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another 
 look through the scope, hands back a bullet, and says, 
 You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" 

 
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Actual answers given to Larry Gogan on the Just a Minute  Quiz...   RTE 2 
  Irish radio station 

  1) Something a blind man might use? 
  A Sword 

  2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? 
  Blue Suede Moon 

  3) Name the Capital of France? 
  F 

  4) Name a bird with a long Neck? 
  Naomi Campbell 

  5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? 
  A burglar 

  6) Where is the Taj Mahal? 
  Opposite the Dental Hospital 

  7) What is Hitlers first name 
  Heil 

  8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name) 
  A Pig in shit 

  9) Some famous brothers 
  Bonnie and Clyde. 

  10) A dangerous race 
  The Arabs 

  11) Something that floats in a bath 
  Water 

  12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers 
  A horse 

  13) Something you wear on a beach 
  A deckchair 

  14) A famous Royal 
  Mail 

  15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine 
  A bicycle with wings 

  16) A famous bridge 
  The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 

  17) Something a cat does 
  Goes to the Toilet 

  18) Something you do in the bathroom 
  Decorate 

  19) A method of securing your home 
  Put the kettle on 

  20) Something associated with pigs 
  The Police 

  21) A sign of the Zodiac 
  April 

  22) Something people might be allergic to 
  Skiing 

  23) Something you do before you go to bed 
  Sleep 

  24) Something you put on walls 
  A roof 

  25) Something Slippery 
  A conman 

  26) A kind of ache 
  A fillet of fish 

  27) A Jacket Potato topping 
  Jam 

  28) A food that can be brown or white 
  A potato 

  29) A famous Scotsman 
  Jock 

  30) A famous Scotsman 
  Vinnie Jones 

  31) Something you open other than a door 
  Your bowels 

 
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A man walks into a doctor's office. 
He has a cucumber up his  nose, a carrot in his left ear 
and a banana in his right ear. 
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. 
The doctor replies, 
"You're not eating properly." 

 
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There was a man who absolutely LOVED chocolate. He had chocolate for breakfast, 
chocolate for lunch, chocolate for dinner, chocolate for snacks, when he'd go 
 to the pub with his mates he'd put chocolate in his pints. He had chocolate 
 shampoo, soap & deoderant & if he saw people on the street eating chocolate 
he'd just beat them up & rob it off them. One day he had a bad turn & had to go 
 to the doctor. The doctor was appauled at his eating habits & told him to give 
 up the chocolate. Weeks later (having not given up the chocolate) he ended up 
having an overdose of chocolate and found himself in hospital. The doctor again 
 was disgusted & asked him why he didn't stop eating chocolate the first time 
 he was told. He replied "Well, what can I say? I'm a coconut!" 
(Thank you Aidan... I hope I didn't ruin it...) 

 
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Two cucumbers were sittin' around talking about how miserable their lives were. The first one said, 
"Everytime I get nice and firm someone comes along cuts me into little pieces and throws me in a salad." 

The second one said, "You think you've got it tough. Everytime I get nice and firm someone throws me in a 
jar full of the foul smelling stuff and keeps me there until I'm old and withered." 

A penis who happened to be listening in said, "You guys got it easy. Everytime I get nice and hard 
someone throws a plastic bag over my head and makes me do pushups until I puke." 

 
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Barney the Dinasaur is Satan 

 Theorem: Given that Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR, Barney can shown to be Satan. 

 The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for printing, 
 meaning the Roman representation would  for Barney would be: 

     CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR. 

 Extracting the Roman numerals, we have: 

     CV V L DI V 

 And their decimal equivalents are: 

     100, 5, 5, 50, 500, 1, 5 

 Adding those numbers produces: 

     666. 

  666 is the number of the Beast! 

   Barney is Satan 

 
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline 
 If you are obsessive-compulsive: 
                          Please press 1 repeatedly. 
 If you are co-dependant: 
                          Please ask someone to press 2. 
 If you have multiple personalities: 
                          Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 
 If you are paranoid-delusional: 
                          We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can 
                          trace your call. 
 If you are schizophrenic: 
                          Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press. 
 If you are a manic depressive: 
                          It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. 

 
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A man drives into a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on 
the back seat of the car. He asks the driver what he's up to with the two penguins on his back seat. The driver had 
asked himself that same question but he wouldn't know what to do. Clerk: "You should take them to the zoo". The 
man thinks this is a good idea and drives away. 

The next day he arrives at that same gas station. Clerk: "I thought you would take them to the zoo!". Driver: "Yes, 
we had a swell day yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the beach". 

 
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Two aerials met and fell immediately in love. They married but the wedding mass was quite boring. The reception was excellent though. 

 
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A Polo mint and a Minstral were sitting at a bar having a conversation. The Polo mint was boasting about how tough & strong he was. " I'd kick any other sweet's ass any day, I've beaten up Smarties and walloped Jelly Beans into unconsciousness. In fact, I'll destroy the next sweet that walks in that door." The Minstral was quite impressed and was thinking about how he wished he was a bit tougher when in walks a Tune through the door. The Minstral looked around at the Polo Mint ready for a big fight only to discover that the Polo Mint was hiding behind the bar. He asked in surprise "What the hell are you doing - I thought you were going to kick his ass?". The Polo Mint peered up from behind the bar " are you mad - I'm not messing with him - he's menthol". 

 
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